


Sorbet

by Bodt



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Bulimia, Chatting & Messaging, Eating Disorders, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Neurodiversity, Past Suicide Attempt, Past Underage, Self-Harm, Sex, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:47:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28082649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bodt/pseuds/Bodt
Summary: In which Shinji signs up for a dating site, which he later discovers shall soon change his life, permanently.
Relationships: Ayanami Rei/Souryuu Asuka Langley, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 20
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

It had started with a simple text message. 

Shinji Ikari, age twenty-one, had been released early from work on a cold, Saturday afternoon. He had been left with almost nothing to do for the rest of the day. 

He didn't have friends, or anyone he was really close with. It was rare for him to communicate with other people. And even if he did, he never failed to say something absolutely ridiculous. 

Whilst sitting on the train home, a coworker from his office takes a seat directly in front of him. He's nervous. He quietly prays she will pay no mind to him. She probably wouldn't, anyway. Someone so insignificant as him rarely receives any attention. 

He observes, in silence, as she picks up her phone to make a call. From his observation, she seems to be chatting with a friend. She mentions her early work release, how she has no plans for Sunday afternoon, and lastly, a site she plans on visiting after arriving home from the train ride. It's a dating site, apparently. One where you connect with strangers on the Internet. 

Shinji has no interest in establishing relationships with people. It seems almost pointless, especially with strangers met on the Internet. As if things like that would ever work out. Such a thing seems so unrealistic, nearly impossible. 

It's laughable to think that someone would even settle for someone so pathetic as him. _What are the chances?_

_What are the chances,_ he thinks once more as he types in the name of the website which was mentioned on the train. 

_Shit, have I really reached a new level of pathetic? Settling to chat with strangers as a way to cope with this never ending feeling of inadequacy? A-hah, man, I've really reached my lowest._

When asked to fill out basic information about himself, Shinji is unsure what to put. He hasn't done anything exceptional in life, his job is nothing but boring, and worst of all, he's possibly one of the least interesting people to have populated this plant. Okay, so that last bit was rather exaggerated, but still, there was nothing that stood out about him. Nothing that would cause people to gravitate towards him. 

But alas, after several minutes of contemplation, decides on something simple.

_Shinji Ikari, age 21. Enjoys reading and writing, works as an accountant. Open to new friendships, lives in Tokyo._

After submitting his profile, he sits quietly waiting for someone to contact him. He wonders briefly, if this is what his life has lead up to. Relying on some stranger for company seems so pathetic, so laughable. He wishes he were better than this. 

He reaches over a stack of books for a pack of cigarettes. He'd been doing this for nearly a year now. Quitting seemed so pointless, nicotine was was one of the few things that calmed his nerves. He didn't care much about his health anyway, and so it didn't matter how harmful this habit was. 

He lights up, takes a few puffs, and then feels slightly better after doing so. 

After taking a long drag, he notices a notification sitting on the upper right corner of his screen. He couldn't believe it, how quickly someone had reached out to him. Or perhaps it was one of those automated messages you get after signing up for a site. Shinji hoped it wasn't. And upon clicking on it, he saw someone else's name. Someone really _was_ interested in conversing with him.

He clicks on their profile, which reads:  
  


_Kaworu Nagisa, age 22. Average cat lover, neurodivergent. Lives in Tokyo, Japan. Loves making new friends, feel free to shoot me a message! :)_

Shinji doesn't know what to say as he opens up the chat log. 

**Kaworu Nagisa:** Hello, you're new to this site, aren't you? I saw your name pop up on my suggested and thought I'd shoot you a message! Feel free to respond whenever you can, I'd love to get to know you.

It was almost strange, it didn't feel real. What was he supposed to talk about with this Nagisa guy? Do people just casually message each other like that? He didn't know what to say. Ah, it didn't matter, it shouldn't anyway. They were nothing but strangers to each other, it would never become anything more than that. And so he begins to type.

**Shinji Ikari:** Yes, I just joined the site today. What an interesting place it is.

Moments after sending the message, a typing bubble appears on the bottom of the screen indicating that Kaworu was writing up a response. Shinji taps out his cigarette into a cheap, overly filled ash tray. He ought to get a new one soon.

**Kaworu Nagisa:** I see, indeed it is quite the interesting place. I joined a few months ago, out of boredom. However, I've never felt a true connection with anyone yet. Perhaps I will with you! So, what are you doing right now? How has your day been treating you?

How silly, and overly cheery, Shinji thinks. To build a connection with someone over the Internet seems so... unidealistic. But nonetheless, he begins typing once more. 

**Shinji Ikari:** I'm not doing much, I'm just spending the remainder of my day relaxing. I smoked a cigarette less than five minutes ago, and now I'm sitting here chatting with you. My day has been alright, it's nothing out of the ordinary. I was let out of work early today, found out about this site through a co-worker. I guess she comes here frequently, maybe I should too. I don't... normally reach out to people, but I guess this is something experimental for me.

He clicks send, feeling slightly embarrassed after reading over his message. Why was he sharing so much with this person? They just met and already... 

**Kaworu Nagisa:** Ah, I see. You're an accountant, correct? That seems interesting. Believe it or not, I've never had a real job before. I live off of whatever my parents have left for me. It's not really ideal, but it's better than nothing. I thought about going to college, but figured it wasn't for me. I suppose for now, this shall do. Also, you smoke? What an awful habit to have, you should quit soon. :(

Shinji grimaces a dark smile after reading the last line. Since when was his health of any importance to strangers on the Internet? He glances over at the half empty pack of cigarettes resting on his table. They'll be gone within a day or so. The situation was comical, almost. 

They spend hours chatting away, having discussions on trivial things. Such being politics, what they like doing during their freetime, favorite dishes, unimportant things. Things of which would be forgotten within a few days. During the evening, Kaworu says his goodbyes, claiming to have something to take care of. And with that, their conversation is over. Whether they would talk again, Shinji didn't know. But he knew better than to get his hopes up. Glancing at the clock he realizes he has nothing more to do, especially not during this hour of the day. So he shuts his computer off, and throws himself onto his miserable little bed, bringing his day to an end. 

He wonders, briefly, what tomorrow would bring him.


	2. Chapter 2

Shinji doesn't expect much. 

He doesn't _do_ much. Every day starts as it normally would. He does things because he's expected to. Like showering, and eating. Sometimes they felt like unnecessary things, but he was still expected to do them, and so he would. Arriving at work was among many of the things he's expected to do. He's supposed to be there from ten thirty to six. His job wasn't anything difficult, but it was _boring._ Extremely so. There were times when he would contemplate just skipping out on a few days of it. Of course he'd do nothing at home, but it was better than having to sit in that miserable, stuffy little cubicle for hours on end. 

He should've tried harder, when he had the chance to. But whatever opportunities he once had became nothing more than mere thoughts. There were no more chances, they all just vanished. Opposed to what therapists or any other professionals would say, Shinji quickly learnt that things do _not_ get better. In fact, the situation often worsens. He didn't really have much to live for. He didn't have people he was close with, and there was nothing spectacular he had done in his life which gave him some kind of purpose. He was just average. Boring. Plain. He wasn't stupid, but he wasn't over the top intelligent either. He was mediocre, and he knew he'd never be more than that.

Of course there was a time where Shinji wanted to please people. Specifically his father, because he had no one else. His mother had died when he was around eleven. He knew he should be sad about this - possibly miss her - but he didn't. Over time his father became neglectful, they never really clicked after his mother had passed. Sometimes he'd take his frustration out on Shinji. His failures in school only worsened the situation. 

He loses his virginity at the age of fourteen. He was young back then, but he didn't care. Didn't need a reason to have sex with anyone. It made him feel better, it was almost therapeutic. He felt so in control, even if the girl he had done it with was older than him. Apparently, his age didn't matter much to her. And so it was fine. It was even a little fun, perhaps.

But enjoyment is temporary. Happiness is temporary, almost as everything in this world is. 

Shinji only realizes how screwed he truly is when every single university he had applied for turns him down. It was upsetting; disappointing. But he knew he had no one else to blame but himself. Had he tried a little harder, then perhaps this would have never happened. As soon as his father discovers this, he drunkenly beats the boy into a miserable little pulp. Shinji doesn't cry that night. He doesn't say anything either. But what he does do is swallow two handfuls of pills in an attempt to escape the never ending misery called his life. His heart beats wildly in his chest feeling as if it's seconds away from exploding, and with a small amount of hope, he prays he will never have to take a painful breath again. But like everything he does, he fails. He wakes up again, and the cycle of repetition begins anew.

The best way he could describe how he felt was numb. Some people would call this depression, but to him it didn't matter. He never sought out help, or anything of the sort. The concept of therapy and medication felt so useless and unnecessary. Maybe he was selfish for wanting to take his life, maybe it was wrong. He'd go to hell for it. And God would mock him for his actions. But it didn't matter now, he just had to accept that things would never change. 

And so he gets up from bed, as he normally would, and begins his day. _Maybe I should be grateful,_ he thinks, _not everyone could wake up as effortlessly as I do._

His day at work slips by quickly. He hadn't done much there anyway. He had done payroll earlier, which was a boring and tedious process. He should just quit his job, collecting from unemployment seemed like an easier way to go about things. He wonders, briefly, how that Kaowru guy gets through things. With the few conversations they've had, he seems content. More so than Shinji. 

He doesn't know how to feel about Kaworu, but talking to him is something of which has become a daily occurrence. No one else cared enough to ask Shinji how his day had went. No one cared enough about his health so much to the point where they encouraged him to quit smoking. No one else ever seemed interested in befriending him. Shinji feels at peace when talking to Kaworu. Even if it's only for a few minutes. He hopes this will last a while, most things usually don't, but he hopes anyway.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaworu often asks questions, lots of them. And usually they're about little, unimportant things. Such being what Shinji's room looked like, what he normally wore to work, which school he had attended when he was younger. The strangest one was what his living room had smelled like. Kaworu claims he doesn't visit people too often, which explains why he had asked such a strange question. Shinji doesn't know how to respond to that one, which is okay. He wasn't expecting the question. It's okay.

There are times when Shinji simply doesn't know how to carry their conversation, for various reasons. Sometimes he feels awkward, or feels that his replies will sound strange or silly. He doesn't want to drive Kaworu away, so he's careful. As usual. 

There comes a point where Shinji wishes they'd have some kind of meaningful conversation. He's never had one with anyone, and wonders what it's like. Perhaps it's nice to share all sorts of personal things with someone. In a way it's as if you're getting closer with them, getting to know more about them. Unfortunately, the opportunity comes when Shinji is told not to come into work for a while. He knew what this meant, it was obvious that he was going to get laid off soon. They didn't need him around. Shinji wants to cry but holds himself back when he realizes that such a response would seem childish on his end. Grown boys do _not_ cry, especially not over something that could have been avoided. Had he tried harder... then perhaps this wouldn't have happened. 

Shinji powers on his computer, it's a slow and outdated one he had taken from his father who no longer needed it. The processor slowly roared to life as it began to start up. He places both hands on the desk softly tapping the right side of his fingers. He feels rather hesitant about contacting Kaworu, but does so anyway because it's become a routine. Perhaps Kaworu would feel lonely without him had they skipped a day of talking. Such a silly thought.

After minutes of waiting, Shinji types in the website he'd usually visit each night and goes straight to Kaworu's chat log. Strangely enough, it read that Kaworu was offline. He was usually active during this hour. His hands swiftly brush against the keyboard as he types. 

**Shinji Ikari:** Hello, are you awake? 

No response. _It's fine,_ Shinji thinks. _Maybe he's busy, surely he will respond soon._

But he doesn't. Kaworu's status remains offline, and when exhaustion comes, Shinji decides to stop waiting. With some disappointment in his heart, he shuts his computer off walking out of the living room. It was just one day where they had gone without talking, not a big deal. Other people have priorities, lives to live other than wasting it away chatting with strangers online. Shinji slides against the wall pressing his knees to his chest. He sits in silence. He was being dramatic, there was no need to feel sad or upset over the absence of someone he didn't even know. They're nothing more than mere strangers.

\---

Shinji's days pass by slowly, given that he doesn't have much to do. He spends the majority of his time scrolling aimlessly through different forums in an attempt to preoccupy his mind with _something,_ even if it was small. His stomach rumbles and he realizes he's become hungry. As he opens the door to his refrigerator, he realizes that it's practically empty. He can't remember when he had last gone grocery shopping. _Guess I have to do it now,_ he mutters to himself. He slips on his coat and walks out the door.

The streets are busy, as they normally would be, and he makes sure to keep his head down to avoid any type of interaction with passerby. It felt unnecessary, to even say something so simple as a 'hello' to someone. The bitter December wind bites at his face, and he quickens his pace to warm himself up in the slightest way possible. Upon reaching the grocery store, he picks up a green basket and begins walking to the produce section. He fills it up with essentials. After pulling half a gallon of milk from the fridge, he passes the beauty section. There's rows stocked with disposable razors. Shinji takes a pack, with the slightest bit of trepidation, and places it into his basket. It was for shaving purposes, nothing more than that. 

After picking out a few more items, he walks over to the self-checkout. It was quicker, convenient, and through it there was no interaction with other people. Of course he preferred to keep things this way. No interactions, no stress. He carefully packs away his groceries in brown bags before scooping them up into his arms as he begins the walk back home. 

With his sleeves rolled up, Shinji begins restocking his small refrigerator in the kitchen. Like most appliances he owns, it's an old one. It would undoubtedly go soon. When that is, Shinji can't predict. He closes the door, gently, so to not make any noises. He doesn't like noises, it's better to be in a quiet, tranquil state. He likes being home. Although there's practically nothing for him to do there, it was better than having to be surrounded by disturbing people who contributed to the misery in his life. Maybe it's better to be alone, maybe he'll stay alone. He takes a quick glace at his left forearm before pushing his sleeve down. Scars from old cuts he had inflicted upon himself are scattered across his porcelain like skin. It was horrifying, almost, to think one would go so far as a way to take out their frustration. He keeps the disposable razors in their package before throwing it under the kitchen sink. _For shaving purposes,_ he reminds himself once more.

Although it's wrong to think about, he misses it sometimes. There were very few instances where he had felt genuinely calm, and slicing his skin open seemed to be an effective way to cope. It made him feel better, it was therapeutic. For a short while, he was able to forget about all the problems he had. Psychical pain served as a replacement for emotional pain. The adrenaline of which rushed through his veins truly felt amazing. But after a while, he stopped. He had to. It wasn't a good idea to be seen this way. 

Shinji takes a deep breath in attempt to push those memories back.

_Stop thinking about it, you'll only worsen things._

And so he does. He pulls out a fresh roll of bread and prepares himself a sandwich for lunch.

\---

Five days had past and he had heard nothing from Kaworu. Perhaps it was silly to concern yourself over someone you've never met before, but empathetically, Shinji can't help it. He places a cigarette into his mouth as he boots up his computer. Maybe it was worth checking today. Maybe he had gotten a response. All he could do was cling onto the tiniest bit of hope that the only person who seemed to care hadn't lost interest.

A small notification sits on the corner of his screen. He can't believe it. He quickly clicks on it, to see the message had been sent to him by Kaworu. 

**Kaworu Nagisa:** I apologize for the late response, I was away somewhere in which I did not have access to my phone. I'm hoping you weren't too worried, if that was the case at all... 

Where had he been? Eager to know, Shinji begins to type. 

**Shinji Ikari:** It's alright. If I may ask, where did you go? I noticed you were away for quite some time, and we usually talk on a daily basis. 

A few minutes pass before a typing bubble pops up on Kaworu's end indicating that he was about to give a response. The bubble disappears for a brief moment before popping up again. Maybe it was serious. Shinji takes his final few drags from his cigarette before putting it out. His chest feels tight, mouth dry, but his nerves are calm. 

**Kaworu Nagisa:** I was hospitalized. I was put away in an institution which would treat me for my eating disorder; I have bulimia. I forgot to tell you about it, I should have said something while I had the chance to. You came across my mind a few times while I was away. It's a bit better now, my vitals are stable so there isn't much to worry about. I hope you're doing well, I promise we'll go back to talking again as we did before. 

Shinji doesn't know what to say. He's never met anyone with the same problem Kaworu has. What could possibly be so hard about eating? He doesn't know how to offer any type of sympathy. His hands brush against the keyboard as he types out a pathetic ' _I'm sorry.'_

_'Don't worry about it'_ is the response he's given in return. He tries not to. Neither of them say anything for a while, but it's when a stupid thought reaches Shinji's mind does he begin to type once more. 

**Shinji Ikari:** Since you've shared something personal about yourself, I may as well do the same in return. It'll be more fair that way, won't it? I guess it's alright, no one else is going to read our chat logs anyway. When I was younger, I made a suicide attempt. I had done so through an overdose, I figured it'd be the easiest way out. I had gone on many forums in which people had spoken about their suicidal experiences. One said an overdose through opioids had been almost painless, so I tried it. Evidently I failed, but it... was still an experience for me. I started cutting after that, it made me feel better. As if all my problems just melted away with each slit I'd make. I know I'm oversharing right now, and that it's silly, but maybe it's better knowing you're not alone in the world. 

Shinji's finger hovers over the key before deciding to press send. Kaworu takes a while to give him a response, which was fine. He wasn't expecting an instant one anyway. But when he does, he can't help but feel slightly elated.

**Kaworu Nagisa:** Thank you for telling me about your experience. I'm grateful that you did as I now feel a bit better about myself. You're right, I'm not alone. I have you, even if you may be miles away from me. I must go now, but we'll talk tomorrow. Again, thank you.

Someone was thanking him. For the very first time, someone had thanked him expressing their gratitude and such. Perhaps it was all Shinji had needed. To be thanked once in a while. It made him feel as if he had done something right. 

"Thank you," he repeats to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really unsatisfied with the way I had written this story. As of now, I've decided to discontinue it. Thank you to those who have read it.


End file.
